What I Do
Mediation

About the mediation label

People are usually drawn to mediation when conflict has reached a fairly high pitch: the workplace has turned sour to the point of acute discomfort; someone is facing jail; the parties are in litigation; or a relationship is dissolving and there are pragmatic issues to be resolved.

For the same reason, the label "mediation" is sometimes a turn off, because hiring a mediator suggests there is something really wrong in the situation or really wrong with you.  Mediators struggle to "reframe" that perception: hiring a mediator is a sign of your wisdom, your ability to be proactive in managing conflict, your sense of self confidence about your own abilities.  All this is true.  But another problem with the term mediation is that it focuses too much on conflict — just one of the factors in the effectiveness of group interaction — and because it sets up an unrealistic standard that conflicts can or should be resolved as in "over with."  If the mediation is about the ending of something, that is the case.  Otherwise — and why not just think of this as a good thing? — conflict is part of your relationship.  If you dislike the term mediation because you think it implies suppressing conflict or seems to put you in a one-down position, I applaud your instincts.

In short, I appreciate your resistance to the term "mediation."  Maybe what you really want is a facilitator.  Coach.  Skilled witness.  If you have a better term, tell me.  Bear in mind, though, that whatever we call my assistance to you and the others, it will still be my responsibility to ensure a fair, safe, and effective process.  Bottom line, that's one part of the job description that stays.

What you probably don't want, if you have looked up this page, is a judge or an arbitrator.  A judge, like a mediator, is a neutral third party who listens to all sides.  (An arbitrator is one who listens more efficiently than a judge and with fewer folderols, but the fundamental role is the same.)  The purpose of the listening is to make a judge-ment.  To provide the answer.  To bind you to his decision.  Mediators don't do any of that.  You and the other parties (perhaps with the help of your lawyers) will craft a solution, and the mediator will create a process within which you and the other parties will be able — seemingly miraculously — to do that.  Your solution.  Your control.  All operating within the mediator's safe, fair, and productive environment.

Mediation skills 

There are many ways people resolve conflict.  Everyone has a set of conflict resolution skills, and every mediator has different strengths.  Likewise, many professions shed light on conflict resolution—everything from the hard math of game theory to the fun of improvisational theatre.  Neurobiology helps us understand fight or flight behavior and communication science helps us know what can trigger it.  Organizational development, adult education, psychology, and decision science are some of the academic subjects that inform mediation. 

But mediation is still essentially a craft more than an academic discipline.  The academic information enriches what a mediator has to offer, but the core is still experience.  Even more important is the art of listening.  If you listen well and figure out what a situation needs, then the craft and the science help you to follow up on that insight.  But without the listening there is little point to the rest.

Mediation Styles 

I call one style of mediator the former judge mediator.  They tend to keep parties separate (“shuttle diplomacy”) and to be relatively forceful in trying to get the parties to agree (“you’ll never get that high of a judgment in court, better settle.”)  That’s not my favorite style of mediation, but sometimes the situation cries out for some degree of this, and then I do it.  (I won’t arm-twist, though.) 

Usually I prefer to have the parties talk with one another.  I am not likely to tell them what their odds are.  Usually, they know better than I do anyway.  If the parties see possible outcomes very differently, I am going to want to explore that. 

On another level, a lot of style is just plain old mediator personality.  I like to foster a relaxed atmosphere.  I don’t want to be “one up” on the parties.  I don’t shy away from the painful, intense places, but at the same time I am perfectly willing to have fun when that is appropriate.  I am not really afraid of very much.  

"Totally new experience for most of us, I'm sure. We went into the session suspicious and mistrustful of the other group. Communication lines were reestablished, many rumors quashed, attitudes adjusted somewhat, participants' good intentions and devotion to the success of all activities in senior centers recognized, damaged friendships repaired to a great extent, and cooperation and better understanding established. Some inevitable deterioration over the year would profit by repeating mediation with Ms. Fox. Most definitely a worthwhile project."
— Karen Harris, Scapoose Senior Center.